where i am now

im lost

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life leaves me

left with thousands of regrets

am i really? that doesnt really seem plausible considering the fact that i have everything and my life is the best it's ever been right now. slowly shifting from a fragmented online presence to a physical embodiment of what ive wanted. that doesnt leave me wondering if that's even what i really wanted. i dont know what i want. but i know that my life is moving in the direction i want, even if it's not moving as fast as i would prefer. does that really mean anything tho? it's getting better. it's getting so much better.

i just wish i had more control over my own life
— although i dont really trust myself with my own life
 

i'm currently listening to Wildflower by The Avalanches as i write this, and it's not even the best album to express what im feeling, but it's march. the end of the quarter is nearing, and i have to come to terms with that. i have to come to terms with the fact that i need to work on my life. i dont believe im going to succeed but that's the way you make it into hell, by not believing. i guess the reason im listening to Wildflower is because it's a mostly upbeat album that contains catchy hooks, and it gets me to feel really energetic and makes me want to dance. i must be using it as an escape from the fear im feeling right now.