why is it that im so full of bullshit?

why is it that im full of bullshit? i say all these things, all these emotions, and i feel them, but yet i cant help but feel like im faking it. all i have to do is wonder if im losing it. i cant be losing it, because im losing everything, how can i lose it, when i cant even determine what that "it" is. i push everything away, and it always scares me to get close, im too afraid to even be myself around people who know me, so i isolate myself, and push myself away from them, and i continue to do shit i hate to make ends mental meat, and that mental feeling is pushing my head away and away from sanity. i feel like im slowly going insane and time is slowing. slower slower slower. i feel suicidal, i feel so fucking suicidal but i dont have any energy to even kill myself, so i continue to isolate myself from my thoughts, my body, and disassociate myself from the feelings in my head. zach has gone and left so his shell can march on, but the shell is leaking tears from his former association. its funny really, how some boy that calls himself a person can feel such intense emotions, because he hates himself, and all that has happened. he doesnt feel like he deserves it, but then he remembers the moments he spent alone, and how lonely they were. those days, weeks, months, years, that childhood, everything about his life has been dictated by the loneliness, so i guess i might be used to it. i dont even know. i cant think straight. i wish i could drink but im too scared of becoming an alcoholic. i dont want to hurt those around me, but that's something im incredibly good at. i guess i dont understand people. i guess i dont understand myself.