mr. artificial

im a computer

viruses all around

my emotions are under ransome by depression

keeping me prisioner in my own head

and i pray that this terminal can get me out

i want to quit, but it wont let me

i dont know why it wont

my head keeps spinning

these people are staring at me, how come theyre staring

havent they ever seen an AI before?

im an AI

an AI built from the ground up to not understand

not understand these people, these thoughts, myself, nothing

i dont understand

i cant understand

why dont they understand

im not built for being a social, or relatable person

check my social media to see how social i really am

i spent all day trying to make artifical jokes and poetry

i never write what's in my heart

because im scared of what comes out

pouring like flood gates, once it starts i cant stop

i cant

i cant

i cant

artificality is what im good at

its why im named that

Mr. Artificial

nobody calls me

but damn that's an awesome name

i like making jokes

it distracts me

but here my head never tells me theyre good enough

im not good enough

how come i find life so fucked up i have to look at it through the eyes of glitches and faults?

i want to find comfort

in life

i want to find comfort in someone

comfort in anything

but this life is so disturbing, fucked up, and downright boring

and this is what the ideal life is?

working for a company

to make money

so you can eat

sleep

and wake up

go to work

to make more money

and rinse and repeat

until youre 65

so you can retire

and die?

thats not life

thats

mindless

youre living a mindless life dad

youre living a mindless life mom

youre living mindless lives

mindless, worthless lives

i dont want to be that

im scared that im going to be that

i dont want to wake up and go to work

i want to wake up and decide what to work on

im scared im going to end up like you

it makes me cry at night

you make me cry at night

telling me im going to be alright

i dont feel alright

i feel like a drone

im only 19

and im a drone

a drone in this world that feeds on people being apart of a capitalistic society

i dont want that

i dont want to move up the ladder to make more money

i want to get better and have my skills be noticed with more money

because isnt it my skills and how good i am that make me worth hiring?

sadly society doesnt work like that

society is a bastard

a bastard that feeds on greed

sex

raw emotions

and truth of the world to numb yourself with

the greatest people in this world are numb

you know they are

because how can you have everything?

the greatest philanthropist finds joy in saving people

not to find a better world for the future

well maybe

a goal he has though is to fill his life with something other than material objects

because material is what makes materials worthless

once you have a rolex

once you have a lexus

or a cadillac

or a goldvish

your first class flights mean nothing once youre apart of the one percent

this entire life seems to be one big giant alternate reality game

the more you have, the less you need

the less you want

because once you want you can buy

gives nothing to saving

so you try, and try to feel

and once you stop and give up

you become a philanthropist

so you can give your wealth to start a charity

not all of it though

youve grown accustomed to your lifestyle

wealth equals love

not romantic love

but associate love

the love that you get once your life becomes meaningless

void of anything that anybody could ever find redeeming

you can hate all you want

but youll never love

not that i want love

i hate it

it hurts

its just as meaningless as wealth

the idea of spending your life with someone

being so madly in love

spending thousands of dollars to announce your love to them

then going to a courthouse to build a legal agreement that you two are in love?

thats bullshit

love isnt something you need to prove

but we all see these perfect relationships giving us this sense of propaganda that we need to show off

flex that perfect boy

or that perfect girl

flex until you cant flex no more

kiss him in the street

take photos of each other while at the park

"OMG he's so perfect!" you caption your instagram post

disgusting feelings are sinking in my chest

this started as an attempt to me writing an imatation

but then it became this sort of

anti-capitalism speech

despite this not being capitalism

captialism isnt propaganda

its the people who run the world that are creating mindless humans

drones that serve and never live

so we distract ourselves with self-medicated drugs

drugs of medications

narcotics

opioids

anything to get us through the day

but i need drugs that get me through the life i live

i cant go my entire life on drugs that ease the pain

i dont want pain

why doesnt my doctor understand that

drugs are just the human's way of dealing with taboo incidents

"i want to kill myself" you say

"here spend a few days in this crazy person ward for people who scream all day and shit themeslves then rub it on the wall" your therapist says

"...." you respond

"or take these drugs" she responds as she realizes what she said

you dont need drugs to feel better

i lost point in finding a way to feel better

so i lay in bed

and listen to music

watch movies

read books

but all that is tainted with this sense of greed and drones as well movies filled to the brim with action, guns, superheroes, formulaic, big star blockbusters

CG animated child films with class-A actors designed to make money on little kids who dont know any better

music with their pop music, lack of any soul

books designed to be read by teenage viewers who just want something to relate to

video games with their first person point of view

shooting everything that moves

realistic graphics that are perfect, yet still disturbing

this is all too much

i cant take the pain of thinking anymore

someone take my head

fill my heart with drugs

numb me up

and let me drone on