hostile water in the ocean floors

floating while climbing high

being raised until summer time

crashing and sinking below ocean floors

i dont like myself

that hasnt stopped the tide from settling

but yet things always arise from meddling

she was found with a wet lung

crashing around because theyre young

driving submarines

while im stuck at the guillotine

12 more days to live

i dont know if ill survive

all these thoughts of water are hostile

just like the fish implied

Nz V ernyyl bxnl? V arire xabj. Vg nyy srryf fheerny. V unir crbcyr jub pynvz gurl pner nobhg zr, ohg nyjnlf fbzrubj raq hc qvfnccrnevat naq sbetrggvat nobhg zr gur frpbaq gurl trg oberq be rira arire erfcbaq. V'z nyjnlf yrsg va n sbetbggra greevgbel. Gura V unir gur crbcyr jub qvfcynl rirelguvat V pbhyq jnag va n sevraq nygubhtu vg'f cresrpg, vg yrnirf zr harnfl. V'z fpnerq gung V jvyy ybfr vg nyy. V'z fpnerq yvsr jvyy yrnir zr nybar bapr ntnva.

where i am now

im lost

6AjEYCE.jpg

life leaves me

left with thousands of regrets

am i really? that doesnt really seem plausible considering the fact that i have everything and my life is the best it's ever been right now. slowly shifting from a fragmented online presence to a physical embodiment of what ive wanted. that doesnt leave me wondering if that's even what i really wanted. i dont know what i want. but i know that my life is moving in the direction i want, even if it's not moving as fast as i would prefer. does that really mean anything tho? it's getting better. it's getting so much better.

i just wish i had more control over my own life
— although i dont really trust myself with my own life
 

i'm currently listening to Wildflower by The Avalanches as i write this, and it's not even the best album to express what im feeling, but it's march. the end of the quarter is nearing, and i have to come to terms with that. i have to come to terms with the fact that i need to work on my life. i dont believe im going to succeed but that's the way you make it into hell, by not believing. i guess the reason im listening to Wildflower is because it's a mostly upbeat album that contains catchy hooks, and it gets me to feel really energetic and makes me want to dance. i must be using it as an escape from the fear im feeling right now.

so i released an ep

bandcamp & soundcloud

when i get sad i sing into fl studio with a ton of effects on my voice. and ill sometimes save those things.

this is the a small thing that i did these are months apart but it gives a feel of what i kinda do.

i would love to make more 'music' and then have these be deligated into my site as just random stuff i make.

now i have to learn how to make music with an instrument.

3AM ALWAYS FEELS SO LONELY LONELY LONE LO

AFRAID AFRAID AFRAID AFRAID AFRAID A F RAID AFRAID IM SO AFRAID CAN I RUN

LONELY NIGHTS FEAR WHAT I TOLD YOU AND THEN YOU TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF BUT YOU WERE WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID OF AND IM SCARED TO TELL YOU THAT IM SCARED TO BE NEAR YOU, TO LOVE YOU. I CANT TRUST A SINGLE THING YOU SAY BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE PAIN IN YOUR EYES. SO MUCH PAIN YOU CAUSE ME MORE PAIN THAN I WOULD LOVE TO ADMIT. PLEASE GET OUT OF MY LIFE SO I RUN AWAY, AND RUN AWAY WITH PRIDE, I LOVE TO RUN. NORMALLY I RUN TOWARDS YOU BUT NOW EVEN IM TOO AFRAID TO DO THAT, IM SO SORRY. CAN I RUN? HOW DO I RUN? I CANT RUN. IM NOT USED TO RUNNING WHEN IT DOESNT INVOLVE YOU. I MISS YOU, BUT I HATE YOu. HOW DO I RUN WHEN YOURE ALL I EVER KNEW HOW TO RUN TO? PLEASE TELL ME THAT I DONT HAVE TO BE AFRAID AGAIN. IM SCARED.

blue eyes and yellow limbs

you look at me

you look at me and you see

not you or me

not he or she

not with your blue eyes or yellow limbs

giving all i can give

with those arms and fingers of joy

horray she says as coy

give and give with your purple heart

your blue eyes and yellow limbs

they are perfect

but you are pure

as the sun comes up

tell me you are pure

i look at you and

stay awake all night

shining sun with all the yellow rays

cathode rays with a tube inside

with tinnitus goes flat

yellow limbs never looked so sweet

sugary and full of love

with love and love you never see

tell me that you are pure

pure to the sweetest dwarfs and angels fall apart

i love you too say in spark

sparks of all purity that gives me hope

hope that one day

youll sell your purple heart

my mind is shattering

its happening

youre capable of being alone

my mind is shattering

its happening

oh boy i hate this so much

i want to be tortured

i want to be fucked like an animal

and single everytime i say "i love you"

you reply "shut up slut"

mr. artificial

im a computer

viruses all around

my emotions are under ransome by depression

keeping me prisioner in my own head

and i pray that this terminal can get me out

i want to quit, but it wont let me

i dont know why it wont

my head keeps spinning

these people are staring at me, how come theyre staring

havent they ever seen an AI before?

im an AI

an AI built from the ground up to not understand

not understand these people, these thoughts, myself, nothing

i dont understand

i cant understand

why dont they understand

im not built for being a social, or relatable person

check my social media to see how social i really am

i spent all day trying to make artifical jokes and poetry

i never write what's in my heart

because im scared of what comes out

pouring like flood gates, once it starts i cant stop

i cant

i cant

i cant

artificality is what im good at

its why im named that

Mr. Artificial

nobody calls me

but damn that's an awesome name

i like making jokes

it distracts me

but here my head never tells me theyre good enough

im not good enough

how come i find life so fucked up i have to look at it through the eyes of glitches and faults?

i want to find comfort

in life

i want to find comfort in someone

comfort in anything

but this life is so disturbing, fucked up, and downright boring

and this is what the ideal life is?

working for a company

to make money

so you can eat

sleep

and wake up

go to work

to make more money

and rinse and repeat

until youre 65

so you can retire

and die?

thats not life

thats

mindless

youre living a mindless life dad

youre living a mindless life mom

youre living mindless lives

mindless, worthless lives

i dont want to be that

im scared that im going to be that

i dont want to wake up and go to work

i want to wake up and decide what to work on

im scared im going to end up like you

it makes me cry at night

you make me cry at night

telling me im going to be alright

i dont feel alright

i feel like a drone

im only 19

and im a drone

a drone in this world that feeds on people being apart of a capitalistic society

i dont want that

i dont want to move up the ladder to make more money

i want to get better and have my skills be noticed with more money

because isnt it my skills and how good i am that make me worth hiring?

sadly society doesnt work like that

society is a bastard

a bastard that feeds on greed

sex

raw emotions

and truth of the world to numb yourself with

the greatest people in this world are numb

you know they are

because how can you have everything?

the greatest philanthropist finds joy in saving people

not to find a better world for the future

well maybe

a goal he has though is to fill his life with something other than material objects

because material is what makes materials worthless

once you have a rolex

once you have a lexus

or a cadillac

or a goldvish

your first class flights mean nothing once youre apart of the one percent

this entire life seems to be one big giant alternate reality game

the more you have, the less you need

the less you want

because once you want you can buy

gives nothing to saving

so you try, and try to feel

and once you stop and give up

you become a philanthropist

so you can give your wealth to start a charity

not all of it though

youve grown accustomed to your lifestyle

wealth equals love

not romantic love

but associate love

the love that you get once your life becomes meaningless

void of anything that anybody could ever find redeeming

you can hate all you want

but youll never love

not that i want love

i hate it

it hurts

its just as meaningless as wealth

the idea of spending your life with someone

being so madly in love

spending thousands of dollars to announce your love to them

then going to a courthouse to build a legal agreement that you two are in love?

thats bullshit

love isnt something you need to prove

but we all see these perfect relationships giving us this sense of propaganda that we need to show off

flex that perfect boy

or that perfect girl

flex until you cant flex no more

kiss him in the street

take photos of each other while at the park

"OMG he's so perfect!" you caption your instagram post

disgusting feelings are sinking in my chest

this started as an attempt to me writing an imatation

but then it became this sort of

anti-capitalism speech

despite this not being capitalism

captialism isnt propaganda

its the people who run the world that are creating mindless humans

drones that serve and never live

so we distract ourselves with self-medicated drugs

drugs of medications

narcotics

opioids

anything to get us through the day

but i need drugs that get me through the life i live

i cant go my entire life on drugs that ease the pain

i dont want pain

why doesnt my doctor understand that

drugs are just the human's way of dealing with taboo incidents

"i want to kill myself" you say

"here spend a few days in this crazy person ward for people who scream all day and shit themeslves then rub it on the wall" your therapist says

"...." you respond

"or take these drugs" she responds as she realizes what she said

you dont need drugs to feel better

i lost point in finding a way to feel better

so i lay in bed

and listen to music

watch movies

read books

but all that is tainted with this sense of greed and drones as well movies filled to the brim with action, guns, superheroes, formulaic, big star blockbusters

CG animated child films with class-A actors designed to make money on little kids who dont know any better

music with their pop music, lack of any soul

books designed to be read by teenage viewers who just want something to relate to

video games with their first person point of view

shooting everything that moves

realistic graphics that are perfect, yet still disturbing

this is all too much

i cant take the pain of thinking anymore

someone take my head

fill my heart with drugs

numb me up

and let me drone on

i'm sorry that im simulated everything about me is simulated im disgusting i know

youre not my friend youre just some stranger i told my lifes story to and i regret ever saying hi to you

i want meaningless sex. i wish i was charming and attractive enough to go to clubs, parties, bars, anywhere and hook up, have meaningless sex to numb myself from the loneliness.

watch me leave with passion & pride

because to me its do or die

corrupted from your love of another guy

have you felt my fear as i let you fly?

I HATE THOSE WORDS I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY

"I CANT DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW"

IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM A BURDEN

why is it that im so full of bullshit?

why is it that im full of bullshit? i say all these things, all these emotions, and i feel them, but yet i cant help but feel like im faking it. all i have to do is wonder if im losing it. i cant be losing it, because im losing everything, how can i lose it, when i cant even determine what that "it" is. i push everything away, and it always scares me to get close, im too afraid to even be myself around people who know me, so i isolate myself, and push myself away from them, and i continue to do shit i hate to make ends mental meat, and that mental feeling is pushing my head away and away from sanity. i feel like im slowly going insane and time is slowing. slower slower slower. i feel suicidal, i feel so fucking suicidal but i dont have any energy to even kill myself, so i continue to isolate myself from my thoughts, my body, and disassociate myself from the feelings in my head. zach has gone and left so his shell can march on, but the shell is leaking tears from his former association. its funny really, how some boy that calls himself a person can feel such intense emotions, because he hates himself, and all that has happened. he doesnt feel like he deserves it, but then he remembers the moments he spent alone, and how lonely they were. those days, weeks, months, years, that childhood, everything about his life has been dictated by the loneliness, so i guess i might be used to it. i dont even know. i cant think straight. i wish i could drink but im too scared of becoming an alcoholic. i dont want to hurt those around me, but that's something im incredibly good at. i guess i dont understand people. i guess i dont understand myself.